The Essence of BeingDecember 16, 2012
As I was driving to work one day last week, I realized that I do everything at a fast pace. Whenever I'm sitting still, I can barely relax for feeling as if I'm lazy; I generally operate between to paradigms: Movement and sleep. Have you noticed the ever-rising hype (bolstered by social media) that has developed around "being" (and appearing) super busy? Anyway, I've been absent from MVL over the past month or so ... I posted just twice in November, something that could only happen by force.
What happened? Life.
Some years ago, one of my younger cousins told me that she believed every day was sunny for me. I was surprised to hear it, but when I reflected on my presentation I realized that I generally conduct myself as such. Thank goodness, it is genuine; My good days really do outweigh the bad. There are times, however, when life stops me in my tracks. I believe those — moments of intense learning; the kind of lessons that change you.
In October, as you know, I lost a dear friend and mentor. I tried to carry on celebrating his life as I have done with others who have passed away. This death, though, shook me to the point of emotional vertigo. I struggled to conclude the lesson, but have accepted that everything won't make sense immediately. As I was coming out of my haze, suddenly, I was faced with a major health scare and everything stopped. I stopped.
I have always taken pride in being healthy ... to the point of reacting to colds as if I'm under great attack. I survey every change I see on or feel in my body. I always have. And for the first time, something was happening that I could not control. Of course, there was a lesson in this. I went to Thanksgiving service at my church and the speaker that evening talked about being thankful in everything. He said, "be thankful, even, for your trials." Because how can you become strong if you are never tested under any measure of weight. It made perfect sense and caused me to take stock of my coming and going. As I heard someone say the other day, everyone has a moment in life that brings you to a complete standstill. And in those times, you — if willing to accept it — are faced with nothing but yourself ... Your good, your bad, weaknesses, strengths, highs and lows. For me, this reckoning had been brewing. More than "seeing" how I would go through this trial, I really had to see me.
All of the rushing around and checklists, and obligations and promises and projects: I was completely off balance. Last week, I was trying to catch up. And then I had to ask myself, what did it all mean. What good is "being" busy if all of your movement and all of who you are isn't making a difference in the world around you?
My project for the remainder of 2012 — Being.
(v.) the quality or state of having existence.